I recently quit my job – a well paying job, one that I knew inside and out, actually earned awards for my work – but one that felt empty. I dreaded waking up in the morning and going to work because I was simply collecting a paycheck. I wasn't serving any higher purpose. The funny thing is, that I worked my whole life up until this point. To get a well paying job, that had great benefits, setting aside money for retirement – the whole guacamole.
When I graduated college and landed the job that I had always dreamed of, I instantly felt underwhelmed. The mundane-ness of life seeped in and I realized that I had been chasing the wrong thing – my whole mother loving life. I was chasing stability, security, and money. I made these things an idol in my life and it took 5 years to break that idol down. Truthfully, it’s an idol that I still struggle with.
How did I expect that kind of an idol to fall apart in the instant when I stepped away from that comfort, security, and wealth? I don’t know why I did, but I did.
I walked away from my job – from a promotion, raise, accolades, and more to let go of my idols and cling to the God that provides all the security and comfort that I need.
You know what? It took three weeks for me to fall on my knees and wonder if I’m actually doing anything purposeful. Only three weeks for me to start back at square one. I have a list that I regularly update when I feel proud of what I’ve done or I feel like I’m walking in God’s purpose with my life and I see His goodness. I write it down, because I easily forget. When reading the bible, it’s easy to look at the Israelites and say something like, “how could you? God was SO faithful the entire time!”
But then I get gut checked in moments like these – when after three weeks of doing what I feel that God has called me to do in my life, here I am on the knees again finding out that I’m still not finding my purpose in Him.
I felt worthless, trapped, and stuck because I’m not bringing in an income into our household. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this way before – as I talk to more of my stay-at-home mom friends, I’m realizing that this is a common thought. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not alone but in the same breath, it’s sad that so many of us are struggling to place our worthiness in God.
I felt that I needed to contribute monetary value into our household in order to be deemed worthy something in the eyes of my husband and in the eyes of myself.
Truthfully, I feel like a failure. I have high hopes, like I always do. But, this time around – I knew that God wanted me to say something about it.
To be honest.
To be open. To share my truth because I’m not alone.
And maybe you feel like you are.
I’m here telling you that I struggle placing my worth in the God that created the heavens and the earth, and me.
I had to pick myself up off the ground and and currently in the process of dusting myself off.
It’s not an overnight success story. I wish it was. But, I’m not here to lie to you. I’m here to tell you my truth.
I’m still learning to place my worth in God and not in what this world has to offer.
Here’s what I found to help me in these moments when I’m feeling alone, worthless, and like a failure. > I read His word. There’s nothing like the bible that can quickly calm those heart stirrings like reading God’s word.